I go for a biopsy on Wednesday (7/25) where they will differentiate between small-cell/non-small-cell cancer.  This information will help the oncologists map out a game plan.  As you can imagine we aren't necessarily tickled with this particular news and are in an adjustment phase.  I remain committed to the idea of living each day to its fullest and enjoying all of those things around me that bring me such joy.  My new filly - who I think we will call Dolly because she is such a doll - is one (scope out my horses page to see her and I interacting for the first time yesterday).  My other horses are pretty cool also.  I really like my new Jeep.  And it goes without saying that the love of family and friends is one of the things I am most grateful for.

So, I wish I had better news to share.  Keep sending positive thoughts and prayers - we all need them.  We'll keep you posted

We are going to do everything possible to fight this unwanted interruption in our lives.  We've decided to begin chemotherapy ASAP (first treatment is Monday, 7/30) and will be discussing radiation therapy with the radiation oncologist on Monday.  There is an  active cancer region at the base of my skull, which is probably the source of the headaches and the slurred speech.  Dr. Gill is concerned about another cancer region on my left femur (large thigh bone) that may require radiation treatment.  One of the main problems with bone cancer is the potential to fracture bones - particularly in the spinal column - so they will be keeping an eye out on that.

We also will pursue alternative medicine approaches.  The cancer center at St. Francis in La Crosse does healing touch, Reikki (sp?), guided imagery and has contacts for nutrition.  Dr. Gill was supportive of the far IR, except possibly during the radiation sequences, and had no problem at all with the various nutritional supplements (including Glyconutrients) that we will be actively working.

It is a lot to take in - I actually checked out a book from the cancer center library entitled Full Catastrophe Living that will probably supplant the latest Harry Potter book on the bedside table.  Lisa and I so appreciate all the help that has been extended and truly feel the hand of a benevolent higher power working through this horrific event (honestly).

This evening we went for BBQ up in Alma with Donna and Burdell.  Thoroughly enjoyable meal on the screened porch.  After that we went over to Robins and saw Fire and Rosie.  They truly are magnificent animals and they bring such pleasure to my life.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow - Annie wants me to give her riding lessons and have I got a great horse for her.  She says she doesn't want to wait until James has to teach her when he's 10.  Also going to the Saturday AM meeting with George B.  Should be a most excellent start to a wonderful weekend.

Please keep us in your prayers; praying primarily for strength to face the challenges that are sure to come.

Yesterday afternoon I wound up in Urgent Care with terrible pain in my lower left rib cage.  Although the x-rays don't show anything obvious (to the casual observer) - I'm pretty sure I've fractured a rib.  Wasn't doing a lot to have caused it - but fits with the disease progression that as it advances my bones will become more and more brittle and easier to break.  One of those harsh realities that we will all have to face.

Pain meds (at maximum allowable dosage) can make the situation livable; but I don't like the drugged way I am on that amount of painkillers.  I'm sure that the visitors this afternoon were pretty surprised to see me not being able to put 2 coherent words together.  But thankfully I stopped the pain meds in sufficient time to make some sense at tonight's meeting.

I so thoroughly enjoyed basking in the glow of all the love that was sent my way tonight.  I know it is there always; but getting a physical sense of it from so many caring friends is so much nicer.

But first, let me tell you a bit on how my chemotherapy session went today [those of you who have been through chemo before or those who bore easily can skip to the end of this update for my most positive closing]. 

Arrived around 8;30 (after leg and pelvis x-rays) to Cancer Center and Mary (our great nurse) took us back to a clean and airy procedure room.  She got me started on premeds consisting of a large dose of intravenous benadryl (to fight off my bodies allergic reaction response to the varied drugs I'm getting thrown at me) and some kind of super anti-nausea medication.  This took up about an 2 hours to all the IV stuff hooked up, the meds dispensed, and time for the meds to be fully circulated in my system.

From there we moved to a biological therapy drug Avastin that is designed to affect the blood vessels feeding the tumor in my lung.  This took about one and a half hours to dispense. The last half hour was spent with a Reiki master who volunteers with the Center. {for those who unfamiliar with Reiki here's a quick definition: Reiki is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing - Rei stands for God and Ki stands for energy and it really does feel like we are harnessing the God Energy during the session].  The Reiki session was definitely refreshing - I wound up in Alpha sleep before she was finished..

Spent 3 hours getting a dose of Taxol.  Two highlights here:  First was contact with Radiation dude (more on this later)  and second was working with Marti on some healing touch and meditation techniques.  If you know me at all - you can imagine that the meditation stuff really does appeal.  Taxol, by the way is a chemotherapy drug whose primary role is to kill cancer cells (and unfortunately some other ones as well) - got to flush these toxins....

Wound up with a dose of Carboplatin - another chemotherapy drug.  We (Lisa and I) got out of there about 4:30 and went to dinner at Red Lobster.

The radiation dude, you ask?  Well he thinks we need to get started with focused radiation on at least 3 sites and probably 4 sites.  First and foremost is the site at the base of my skull (which, as we've discussed in prior updates, is the probable source of the headaches).   My left and right pelvic area (with mid section well guarded: I definitely double checked) which are a source of considerable discomfort and pain.  The cancer sites there are right at the hip sockets, so it's obviously a source of pain.  He is also thinking of adding one of my shoulders to the mix.  Other than the relatively low risk for brain damage by aiming at the first site there doesn't seem to be a downside.  This doc thinks we might actually be able to reverse the size of these sites through focused radiation as well as provide pain relief.

We really did have a great day.  My body treated us nicely today and did not have any signs of allergic reaction - so I can take the chemo in the dosage rates they've prescribed.  We have a picture of me all smiley lying in bed with the chemo pump and tubes attached - but I don't think we'll have time to share it.  Look for that in later updates.

The alternative methods work and I am pleased to report that I am highly susceptible to them and believe I can be an active participant in this power exchange.  Your prayers and loving thoughts do help - please keep them coming.

Revisiting the Radiation dude line of reasoning - On Tuesday afternoon we went and got calibrated for radiation therapy.  That was an experience covering a wide gamut of emotions and concepts.  The sites they are going to irradiate are the region just below the skull on the spinal column, both hips and my right shoulder (as mentioned in the prior update).  Well, during calibration they work out all of the restraining devices necessary to always apply the beam pattern consistently and put permanent datum marks on my body so the can align everything in 3-D space.  Particularly cool was looking at the simulations at the very end where the diagnostic PET scan results were overlaid with the new CT scans with proper alignment and calibration and the radiation beam pattern.  The simulation could step through time and show how the exact cancer site is being covered and how regions without cancer (such as vital organs, bowel, bladder, brain [although maybe not in that exact order]) are being avoided.  Particularly uncool was being restrained.  They made a face mask for the spinal shot that will immobilize my head during that treatment sequence.  A plastic mesh thing that reminds me a lot of the Terminator II and III sequences when they would form themselves coming out of the wall.  Really confining and it will take some actively focused and controlled breathing ('soft belly' meditation) to not go nutzoid with that one.  The other zones are not claustrophobic in the restraint required - but I did wind up with my first tatoos ever - avoided the needle and ink until I'm 53....

Main take-away is we start radiation therapy on 8/8 and will run for 10 sessions.  Should be in and out.  May extend to other pain sites or weight bearing structures as needed later.  Cool pictures and really awesome technology - just wish it wasn't me in the focal point and on the rendition screens.

Doctoring stuff is winding down until the 8th - no real complaint here on our part.  Maybe things will settle into some kind of routine and we can digest all that has happened over the past several weeks.  The doctoring part will pick back up until the 21st and then should go away again.

So far (should I throw in a hallelujah here?) I haven't been beaten down from this first exposure to chemotherapy.  The nausea drugs are making life easy, my appetite is good and we are eating healthy.  I have not had a headache since we went to chemo on last Monday.  I want to allude a lot of this relief to the healing touch and Reiki sessions - I wouldn't discount all of the prayers that have gone up for me from all of the concerned folks - and maybe we've got a good therapeutic dose level going with the pain meds.  I do know that the use of the narcotics is minimized for the headache.  Less narcotics and no debilitating headaches constitutes a miracle in my book.

I've gotten to work every day since Monday and am actually getting something accomplished there.  Although it isn't my entire life - I do enjoy a good technical problem.   We've been conducting a designed experiment with multiple factors that has just gotten to the interesting analysis phase and I'm actually enjoying the mental exercise.  Expect to get a full day in tomorrow and will maybe get some summary pictures and conclusions in place.  Also working on archiving the major areas of my work that my co-workers may need to access in a clean and organized manner.  (That one has it's depressing aspects if I'd allow myself to go there).

I am awed and honored by the outpouring of love and fellowship that has begun to pour in our way.  There is a network of prayer lists and cards from all over the country that are beginning to come here and I can not express in words the sense of peace, gratitude and humility it gives me to be noted by so many.  Lisa and I both are humbled by this outpouring and wish to thank all of you for your support.

I know it is difficult to even discuss this - but I have had some of the most powerful and meaningful discussions with people over the past several days - some the other person may not have realized that their simple sign of support and sharing in a moment of complete loss of words or comprehension is one of the most human moments we can spend with each other.  A simple e-mail has bolstered me for hours.

So thanks again.  We will remain positive and keep doing the things we love.  Played with horses last night - went to Cathy's after seeing Fire and Rosie at Robins.  Had "Dolly" in the round pen doing the "joining-up" thing again; worked on moving her feet, directional control and confidence with my touching her all over.  Almost all of her turns were to the inside - it's generally easy to draw her eye and pull her off the fence to make the turn ----- details, details, details.

I'll try to make a post every couple of days, even if we aren't doing any new doctoring stuff.

I'm not just putting on a face for my adoring fans (whatever), things are fundamentally good.  We do have some bad days and on those days (particularly last Friday and Saturday) I am not Mr. Positive.  But that pain passes and I can once again enjoy the beauty of our place and just how right every thing is.  The pain on Friday/Saturday was, I'm sure, a side effect of the chemo taken the prior Monday.  That pain was like the worst case of flu you can imagine (although the nausea meds managed the "horking" part of the flu-like symptoms).  Every joint and muscle HURT!  I was weaker than a newborn kitten.  Took 8-10 hours for the pain meds to pull it back under control.

But I don't have that now.  I remain awed and so eternally grateful at the support and love I feel from all of your prayers, kind words, etc.

We have been really busy over the past few days.  We are learning where the limits of energy and endurance lie, and we have overshot those limits several times.  Went to horse show in Sioux Falls, work at least half days, getting tons of stuff done around the house, and got my first radiation therapy today.

The radiation thing was particularly cool - if you aren't the patient and are a bit of a geek.  Alignment techniques (think aligning the tires on a car) using x-rays, my new tats, and really cool lasers (think laser levels in three dimensions) were neat.  Being the patient, unfortunately, required me to be basically strapped down on the table and made to hold awkward positions for a long period of time.  Interestingly, the face mask thing was the easiest - I actually felt like I was floating above the table and being only slightly restrained during that sequence of the therapy.  I am convinced it was a direct result of your prayers and support that made that concern disappear.

Also, Lisa and I hooked up with Dale - our physicians assistant - and had a large number of questions clarified.  The conversation was very direct, focused and useful.  I'd actually love to share all those insights with you; but it's late and I truly think I gotten the core overview communicated.

I will expand in future updates - stay tuned.  I also need to share how this place is really beginning to take shape and introduce you all to some of the very cool spots that are now coming out of the shadows.

Good night and GOD bless......

After Radiation treatment on Friday I hooked up with my friend Lonnie and just bummed around.  We did Fayzes for breakfast - where we saw Kathy and Sharon.  Tried to convince them to run away with us and play - but alas cooler heads prevailed.  Back in the day we'd of been headed for the river with no remorse (at least until much later when it came time to go home and explain where I'd been); nice that I've matured to the point where that isn't a realistic option, but still kind of fun to contemplate the freedom to just drop everything and take off.

From fantasy land we hooked up with the noon meeting in Winona.  Great meeting and Lonnie appreciated meeting a number of recovering folks here in Winona.  I don't generally go to the Monday or Friday meetings - I prefer the Wednesday Big Book group for certain reasons; but this was good stuff.  Ed Z. took us to lunch at Culvers and he shared his cancer survivor story with me.

Eventually we made it out to the horses.  Robin's trail ride was just getting underway so there was lots of hustle and bustle.  Lots of horses that Fire and Rose hadn't seen and much commotion as they were all getting ready to ride.  Took both Rose and Fire out for a little spin - farther than I've ridden either horse since the diagnosis.  Well, between the heat and the activity - as I finished up with Fire I was absolutely whipped.  There was nothing left and I hurt all over.  Fortunately, Lonnie was there so he could drive.  Lisa was at Donnas and we all loaded up and got home.

Saturday morning I had sufficient energy to do the AM meeting followed by breakfast; but that was about it.  We had all kinds of people over in the afternoon - but I barely recognized anyone as I raced upstairs to bed.  Essentially wound up staying in bed all day Saturday and Sunday. 

Not everyone stayed in bed on Saturday and Sunday.  John and Tammy came up to help around the place and they accomplished a ton.  Saturday, Anna had everyone cleaning up around the grounds - they filled another dumpster with odds and ends.  The yard looks so nice and neat.  On Sunday, John aligned and secured the base of the rafters.  I was pretty useless and wound up sleeping.  So - big thanks to John and Tammy for all the help they gave this past weekend, it is greatly appreciated.

This morning I completed the 4th radiation treatment - only 6 more to go!! - and it went easier than any of the past ones.  I've given up pretending that I have any control and just let them push me wherever they think they need me.  I do not offer any help unless asked.  Surprising how well things can go if I don't try to make them go my way.  Also got another Reikki treatment.  Feeling pretty good, but figured I'd take a nap before I went to work.  Didn't wake up until 4:30 PM - slept for over 6 hours, and I'm still tired.

Shaved off my mustache today - going to miss that ornament; I have drafted the main points of "An Ode to a Mustache" and may post the completed product here.  Had lost so much hair on one side that it looked pretty ragged.  Not long until we shave the old head.

Anyway, just dog tired.  My appetite is good and I continue to eat reasonably well.  My attitude remains healthy and positive.  I still gain strength from all of the support I feel from so many.  I need to write thank you notes to so many - and I will, soon.

Enjoy each moment that your health allows you freedom.  They are moments to cherish.

I want to thank all our friends, colleagues and also all those that we do not know who have sent prayers and support our way. Cancer truly does affect the whole family and your support has meant much to all of us. As many of you know, Robert and I have shared our lives for 34 years and hope to have many more years together. It was devastating when he received his diagnosis.

I have looked forward to being able to retire from work with him, and sit on the porch together watching our horses play. I want to continue to share with him our 3 wonderful  children's growth and watch our grandchildren learn to appreciate and respect the land. I want him to be able to pass on our love for horses and teach our grandchildren how to ride. I want to hold his hand and walk through old age with him. God willing.....

8/23/07

Actually, radiation treatments have really taken their toll on my energy levels and are also creating quite a bit of nausea.  I am very tired and have slept pretty much straight through since yesterday morning.  Blood counts are on the low end of normal (white cells and hemoglobin).  Nausea medication works to a degree; although today was a particularly bad day with regards to the nausea.

Those things aside; there is nothing but good to report.  We finished the radiation treatment sequence yesterday; which is a huge relief.  Not only will I not be taking huge doses of radiation into my body with the afore mentioned side effects, I won't have to hold still while being prodded to a certain position, nor will I have to wear that confining mask.  That is a lot to be grateful for.

Chemo was cancelled on Monday - it would have been on a day I was taking radiation and Dr. Gill decided it wasn't worth the extra load on my system.  It has now been scheduled for Friday, 8/25.  I think this date will work out for my folks visit (they are due to arrive Saturday) because my health should be better than it would have been if I'd chemo as originally planned.  I'm figuring 5 -10 days after chemo will be my low spots.  Unfortunately, it may flavor Sam's visit.  He is scheduled to be out here on 8/31, so he may see the brunt of it.

So, there are 2 reasons to be up - both Sam and my folks are going to be here within days.

A major event in our live occurred last Saturday when the folks from TRW came out to the farm and gathered for a Work on Judds Farm Day.  The event actually started on Friday afternoon when a handful of folks came out and set a dozen wood posts in the ground while it was still dry.  On Saturday, I'd bet we had 30 people here working on the various projects we'd identified and arranged materials for. 

There was a barn roof crew (headed by Jeridiah Welti) that got an attic deck, completed the build in place rafters and put all 1/2 inch sheeting material up on the rafters.

There was a shed crew (headed by Dave ONeill) that built 4 three sided sheds that we can pull out into the pastures for the horses to have shelter.  These sheds are complete except for the tin layer that will be installed after the sheds are pulled out to their locations.

There was a fence crew (really headed by Gary Masoner) that put in over a 1/4 mile of woven wire fence in a days time.

Finally, there was a food crew (I believe headed by Angela Christie) - you wouldn't believe all the food they had laid out.

Did I mention that all of this was done in the rain - all day long these folks labored in various degrees of rain (from drizzle to downpour).  We have pictures and will post them with captions on separate pages (that too has been a reason I haven't gotten you an update on conditions here on the Judd ranch) and we hope to have that up soon.

There are no words that can sufficiently express the gratitude that Lisa and I feel toward those of you who worked or contributed to the Work on Judds Farm Day.  Tears of wonderment and joy well up every time I think of your out pouring of support and compassion.

We remain in excellent spirits.  We look forward to converting all of the positive energy you send our way into an internalized peace and comfort.

My folks made it up safely from NM and arrived here Saturday afternoon.  We immediately put them to work on the fencing project - being the basic gracious host that I am.  Actually, it is great to work along side my dad, Ira, building fences and remembering what it used to be like on the ranch back in the day.  David, Lisa's brother, showed up and we added his muscle to the task as well.

It wasn't all work - we quit well before sundown on Saturday and taught Dave how to lose at the domino game "Mexican Train".  Nik  joined us and we all had a ball playing dominoes and talking trash to each other.  Nik actually won one of the rounds by a slim margin over his Pa.

We finished up the fencing just in time to jump in the shower and run to town for the Design for Living meeting on Sunday evening.  Several very special things occurred last night.  First and foremost was that this was the first opportunity that I've able to take Mom to an open meeting of any kind, one that I played some role, and especially one that demonstrated the love and caring of a "home-group" within the fellowship.

The other significant part of the evening was the honor I felt in introducing my dearest friend Anna A. as the guest speaker last night.  The room was truly filled the spirit of a loving and benevolent God as she spoke and shared last night.  I know for a fact that I was not the only one to have felt this presence and am so grateful to have been a part of it last night.

Took the parents to La Crosse for a tour of the Cancer Center at St. Francis this morning and had them join me and participate in a Reikki treatment session.  The tour and the treatment went very well with lots more positive healing energy being transferred.

Actually got to work today and am looking forward to getting a full week the remainder of this week - health permitting.  I know there very well could be a down side to the last chemo session - the steroid rush won't last forever.  Although right now I still feel pretty good - radiation side-effects of fatigue and nausea have dissipated and you have no idea how good it feels to feel almost normal.

I don't think I've commented on the new hairdo I've recently been sporting.  Got tired of the hair falling out in large chunks, so we shaved it some time ago.  I'm just really pleased that I don't make a terribly ugly bald guy.  Actually think I look younger and maybe even more macho?  You know, the Lex Luthor - Bruce Willis/John McCane look.  Beats whining about the "Ode to a mustache" thing, don't you think?

We have so much to be grateful for - in these times a roof over our heads with dry, clean bedding is a real blessing.  Our deepest condolences to those who have lost so much here in the local area and a sense of awe and wonder as we watch the outpouring of neighborly love

Actually, I feel pretty darn good - the antibiotics continue to beat the pneumonia back and along with the breathing treatments I'm getting my wind back.  That's a really good thing - being short of breath really sucks.

I'm sorry to put the dying thing in focus right off like I did; but we are beginning to have an awakening here.  Not that we are going to give up fighting any time soon (Dr. Gill was hopeful that we could get the next chemo treatment going next week and that alone is a major turnabout) it.'s just that the last round in the hospital brought some scary realities home.  There was nothing I could have done different to prevent the shortness of breath and no magic supplement or alternative medicine approach could fix the problem or make me better.  I'm very grateful that I didn't wind up with one of those super-bugs that are resistant to antibiotics.

I am extremely fortunate to have the family, friends and coworkers that I have.  We haven't discussed the more recent work at Judd's farm done by Troops 11, 6 and (I believe) 1.  We had about 30 scouts and parents helping out 2 weeks ago, 10/27.  They all pitched in to clear a major copse of trees blocking the view from the house to the  property edge.  Some of them, hung out and got to ride Rosie.  We did a little training session so that the boys wouldn't get hurt.  They had to work her a little bit on the ground before we'd let them in the saddle..  Worked mostly on turns and stops.

Anyway, picked out several of the better horsemen from the bunch and we'll get some kind of riding thing set up..

Sam left for North Carolina yesterday morning  so the quiet is beginning to settle in. 

We also had an appointment at the cancer center today.  Original plan  was to get with Dr. Gill and determine if we should restart chemotherapy.  As it turns out - our Dr. Gill began her maternity leave a few days earlier and I'm busy informing a new doc about my case and what our intermediate goals are.  As a result of the discussions we are going into a holding pattern for 2  weeks.  Other than resting up we are ordering a complete bone scan which will shed some light on the matter.

Beginning to come to grips with the quality of life vs. treatment aspects  - no answers yet since I don't  know  what all of  the options really are.  We will inevitably keep you in the loop.   

Sorry about the ramble there, but I am the confused cancer patient (might get a bit of milage out of this one (NOT)).

Did get rolling down the hospice route.  So far all I see is professionalism and caring.  First visit was from Lisa who spent 2+ hours in our menagerie following a scripted questionnaire as well as considerable free-style notes.  Was a very good meeting and led to productive action.  O2 concentrator raised to 10L/min (max) from a 5L/min (max) system.  Got a shower chair and a contraption to help me in and out of bed.  Call from the Hospice chaplain setting up an appointment for Monday at 11 to sit down and visit out here.  And just as I was writing this  paragraph, Lisa comes up with refills for  all of the prescriptions she saw we were low on.

Bottom line is  - for this present condition (the doc at St. Francis has not identified any viable additional treatments that might not kill me) - Hospice is the way to go; rest/build up my strength.  We'll all see how this is going to turn out.

On a slightly different note - we will be building a cobbled up round corral to begin course 1 of the Dennis Reiss horsemanship training.  Ira and I watched the tape/DVD segments that cover the round-pen basics in the "Freedom" Course.   I would really dearly love to extend this disease moment until well past next fall when Dennis will be back in West Allis and one or more of my horses and me can go ride with him.

I know the only way a  healthy fall will come about is through living in the now with and an objective in mind.  Probably multiple objectives yet always living in the now.  Now  is the precious moment for me to cling too.

Tons to report since our last update We've had a had a holiday and  completed the round pen in the back.  Thanksgivings was great, we just focus on each day, and enjoy it. We continue to transition into the hspice care environment. There are lots of things I could attempt to blow by you; but I won't..  Suffice it to say that we had a lovely holiday and we thoroughly  enjoyed it.

 We got the round corral finished  and played with  all three of  the  big horses..  Great Stuff. I wasn't able to control the horses, but Lisa could and between the two of us, we did a fine job, transitioning through gates, and controlling FireStar and Rosie. Lisa did a fine job, she is a great horse woman. We are working through the Denis Reiss freedom Course and hope to be able to do more. It is hard to communicate how good it was to be with my horses, and any pain I have as a result of it is worth every moment of it.

 I'm not physically strong enough to really do anything, But I still have a strong spirit! And we will get through this one way or another. We are transitioning to a hospital bed to help me be able to sit up easier. Lots of pain with movement.

My dad, Lisa and Nik are working on fencing to keep the big horses separate from the minis. It is an over due project and should be done soon.

Robert was admitted to St Franciscan Skemp in LaCrosse very early Saturday morning. I think we finally got into out room from emergency about 4:00. He has been having a great deal of trouble breathing and his saturation rate had dropped into the 70's at one point. Doctor's believe that he is nearing end of his battle with cancer. He has been coughing up blood. He told the doctor that he felt as if he was dying and the doctor softly replied, "You are dying". It could be just a few days or a few weeks, we don't know. I asked for a mild sedative for anxiety, he worries about his horses and his family and that increases the difficulty with his breathing. My computer at home has crashed, and I am going to be at the hospital with Robert, so if you email & do not get a response, it is only because we have not received your message.   Please keep Robert in your prayers... 

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